6 Months

Today marks the 6th month since we broke up.

A part of me has moved on.

A part of me refuses to let go.

A part of me has learned to be okay.

A part of me is still crushed.

A part of me goes to sleep peacefully.

A part of me cries herself to sleep.

A part of me keeps herself busy.

A part of me still looks at our photos.

I miss you.

I don't miss you.

I still love you.

I don't love you anymore.

A, I still think about you...

I Miss You, But Not As Much As I Used To

It's been a month and 9 days.

I miss you but not as much as I used to.

We're both moving forward.

Some days I smile, some days I cry.

I wonder...

Rubbing It In

I'm sitting in front of the iMac and I begin to replay everything in my head.

We saw each other today. I wasn't expecting you to show up or text but you did.

You dropped a big bomb on me today.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you've found someone so quickly to love you more than I did.

I'm glad you've moved on so fast.

I told you to look at me and tell me that you don't love me.

"I don't love you anymore..."

There, you said it. I stopped looking at you...

At the end of it all I asked you if you wanted me to get out of the car already.

"Yes, go" was your simple and curt reply...

So I fixed my stuff and went out. I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't beg anymore. I didn't become self destructive... I knew you'd hate me more... So I left and hailed a tricycle and as soon as I sat down, I cried till I couldn't breathe.

I will always love you even if you don't love me anymore...

You're Not Very Easy To Forget - 2

Here I am again, four days later and still feeling a whirlwind of emotions.

A few days ago, I went and dyed my hair blonde. I needed a change. I knew I had to do something with my life that I wanted for myself. I felt a little better as I looked in the mirror and found golden locks staring right at me but what little happiness I had was short lived...

I messaged you on Facebook a night later, and poured out my feelings to you.

You sent me a curt reply.

"OK".

I never knew that two letters of our alphabet could hurt so much.

It made me feel like you really don't give a damn at all.

Last night, in a bout of desperation, I messaged you again and you replied. We started chatting and some deeply repressed part of me took over and begged to see you just one last time. Of course you said you didn't want or need to see me and that I should respect your decision.

"I'm moving on and so should you."

I read that sentence over and over and over and over till I couldn't anymore.

I told you I'd still wait for you the whole day of Monday.

A big part of me knows you won't contact me to see me but there's this one percent chance that you just might. I know it's stupid of me to be hopeful when all you've done is push me even further away from you but I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. It feels like drowning.

Monday. 9am... *sigh*

Enough

So here I am again.

Yesterday, so much happened.

My head is still spinning from the information overload from yesterday.

I'm emotionally drained and the crying gave me a damn headache.

Why would you sell something that I gave you as a gift?

Yes, I know. I found out. Are you that stupid to think that I wouldn't find out?

It hurt. It cut like a knife to find out that you're selling something I gifted you with.

I know I did you wrong but I also know I deserve even just an ounce of respect.

I swallowed my self respect for you because I love you.

I loved you.

I love you.

I love you BUT it's time I start loving myself more.

I guess this is the answer I've been asking God to send me.

I'll be okay, eventually. You just wait and see...

Plans

I had so many new ideas for projects yesterday. So many plans.

I made a list of all the new stuff I wanted to accomplish.
I wanted to start a written journal of my day to day activities.
I wanted to get my hair colored all the colors of the rainbow.
I wanted to take that prometrics exam for nurses.
I had a lot of new plans...

I wanted to tell you all about them. I couldn't wait to tell you all about them.

Then it hit me.

I couldn't.

I couldn't tell you all about my plans and ask for your support and opinion.

I couldn't because you told me not to contact you anymore.
Out of the blue I started crying inside the bathroom because I felt so sad that I couldn't talk to you anymore...

I constantly wonder how you are.

Where have you been? What have you been up to? Have you eaten anything weird lately?

It's lonely without you and what hurts the most is not knowing if you still think of me at all...

I Miss You - 2

"Good evening. I know you said not to text. 
I just wanted to say hello."


I did the unthinkable. I texted you last night.
All my friends had advised me against doing that but I just needed to get it out of my system. I felt a little better after I sent that message. It was short. It wasn't sweet. I didn't even use any of the endearments we used to use.
Of course I knew you wouldn't reply...
Of course, I still waited...
I went to bed last night feeling empty yet a small part of me has started to pick up the pieces.
I miss you. I always will...

You're Not Very Easy To Forget

 I lay in bed last night and listened to the slow breathing of my mother and sister sleeping on the bed. As usual, I was on the mattress on the floor, surrounded by my pillows. Ever since mum decided that she wanted us all to stay in one room together, it has been harder for me to just cry myself to sleep...

I curled up towards one side of the mattress, pulling my blanket close to me. I was facing away from the bed. I didn't want anyone to see me because I had a feeling in my gut that something was about to happen and out of nowhere, the tears came. These days all my tears are for you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you for the tears. I just can't control the emotions that come flowing freely at night.

I can get a grip of them during the day. I can put on a straight face and lie to myself in the mirror that I'm starting to be okay. I can tell myself that I have better things to do than mope around. I can tell myself that I have to be strong, that I have to pick up the pieces. That's one of the last things you told me, wasn't it? You told me "I want you to be strong, I need you to be strong and move on..."

Move on... Move on... Move on...

That's been my mantra since Monday and it hasn't been working well so far...

How do I move on when I don't want to move on from loving you?

Then again, nothing lasts forever...

Happy 27th Monthsary, my love.
If only we were still together...

I Miss You - 1

*photo source*

I almost called you today.

I almost texted you today.

I had to get a hold of myself before I sent that message that I had typed in a matter of seconds.

It was more than 160 characters because I don't think 160 characters can help me express all the love and desperation I feel right now.
I miss you and it's depressing because I know I'm above all this shit that I'm putting myself through. Punishing myself for what I did to you...
Tomorrow was supposed to be our 27th... I'll need to keep myself busy...

Currently 1

It's January 2016 and being my usual impulsive self, I've decided to write a new blog entry on a whole new blog. I've been blogging for as long as I can remember. I started with Tumblr and reblogged a lot of shit over there, then I moved onto something fun & girly on my beauty blog and now I'm here... Exactly where, I don't really know. All I know is that I wanted somewhere where I can post whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want. I wanted the freedom to cuss like I don't care at all. I wanted the freedom to write without having to worry about what photos to post along. I finally feel that this is where I can do just that...

I think deep inside I blame the fact that I'm going through something personal but that's a story for an entirely different post. Right now I'm just here to get the ball rolling. I don't know if people will ever start reading this since I'm not sure if I'll ever start sharing posts from here on my social media accounts. I'm not sure if that's what I want right now. The Janna a.k.a. Jannie that will be posting here will be a different person from the one posting on my other blogs... There's so much about me that's still bottled up inside... But let's start breaking down the walls, shall we?

Here's a CURRENTLY post, to christen a new chapter of my life on the internet...

Reading : "Between Shades of Gray by Ruta Sepetys"
My little sister gave me this book a couple of Christmases ago. To be honest I forgot that I even had it and I'm still trying to grasp what it's all about.

Writing : This blog post.

Listening To : Out Of The Woods by Taylor Swift... & Same Old Love by Selena Gomez
Listen to it, I've taken the time to embed it into this post courtesy of YouTube. I've been listening to it non stop the past few days... Trying to drown out the pain.

Smelling : Mothballs. My mother is in the bedroom next to where my iMac is located and she's rummaging through my piles of trash in the hopes she can throw out the skeletons I've hidden in my closet. Good luck mum, really.

Wearing : A ratty old shirt and a pair of shorts. The same thing I've had on since last night. I haven't showered for today and I don't really want to. My clothes smell of tears from last night and I look like shit but it's comforting wearing old clothes... I think it's the familiarity of the cloth molding onto your skin... A sense of security wrapping around you.

Thinking : About him. All my stupid freakin' thoughts are of him and it's eating me up inside... I'm trying my best to keep busy, to get him off my mind but he's like this worm, crawling at the back of my head, inching his way out where I feel the pain over and over again.

*sigh* This post is starting to sound so melodramatic. I better get my shit together...

CURRENTLY...

Feeling : Nothing & everything at the same time.

Loving : Need I say more? *deep sad sigh* I love him and I guess that's why I feel nothing and everything...

Wanting : One last chance. Something that I don't deserve. Like seriously, it's like I'm already on my knees right now...

Needing : Sleep... Like a 25 hour sleep fest where I drown myself in my pillows and comforter. I want the air-conditioning on full till the air is so cold you can barely breathe... Till the tiled floor is shivering... Till the windows creak... Till everything just fades away...