6 Months

Today marks the 6th month since we broke up.

A part of me has moved on.

A part of me refuses to let go.

A part of me has learned to be okay.

A part of me is still crushed.

A part of me goes to sleep peacefully.

A part of me cries herself to sleep.

A part of me keeps herself busy.

A part of me still looks at our photos.

I miss you.

I don't miss you.

I still love you.

I don't love you anymore.

A, I still think about you...

I Miss You, But Not As Much As I Used To

It's been a month and 9 days.

I miss you but not as much as I used to.

We're both moving forward.

Some days I smile, some days I cry.

I wonder...

Rubbing It In

I'm sitting in front of the iMac and I begin to replay everything in my head.

We saw each other today. I wasn't expecting you to show up or text but you did.

You dropped a big bomb on me today.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you've found someone so quickly to love you more than I did.

I'm glad you've moved on so fast.

I told you to look at me and tell me that you don't love me.

"I don't love you anymore..."

There, you said it. I stopped looking at you...

At the end of it all I asked you if you wanted me to get out of the car already.

"Yes, go" was your simple and curt reply...

So I fixed my stuff and went out. I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't beg anymore. I didn't become self destructive... I knew you'd hate me more... So I left and hailed a tricycle and as soon as I sat down, I cried till I couldn't breathe.

I will always love you even if you don't love me anymore...

You're Not Very Easy To Forget - 2

Here I am again, four days later and still feeling a whirlwind of emotions.

A few days ago, I went and dyed my hair blonde. I needed a change. I knew I had to do something with my life that I wanted for myself. I felt a little better as I looked in the mirror and found golden locks staring right at me but what little happiness I had was short lived...

I messaged you on Facebook a night later, and poured out my feelings to you.

You sent me a curt reply.

"OK".

I never knew that two letters of our alphabet could hurt so much.

It made me feel like you really don't give a damn at all.

Last night, in a bout of desperation, I messaged you again and you replied. We started chatting and some deeply repressed part of me took over and begged to see you just one last time. Of course you said you didn't want or need to see me and that I should respect your decision.

"I'm moving on and so should you."

I read that sentence over and over and over and over till I couldn't anymore.

I told you I'd still wait for you the whole day of Monday.

A big part of me knows you won't contact me to see me but there's this one percent chance that you just might. I know it's stupid of me to be hopeful when all you've done is push me even further away from you but I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. It feels like drowning.

Monday. 9am... *sigh*

Enough

So here I am again.

Yesterday, so much happened.

My head is still spinning from the information overload from yesterday.

I'm emotionally drained and the crying gave me a damn headache.

Why would you sell something that I gave you as a gift?

Yes, I know. I found out. Are you that stupid to think that I wouldn't find out?

It hurt. It cut like a knife to find out that you're selling something I gifted you with.

I know I did you wrong but I also know I deserve even just an ounce of respect.

I swallowed my self respect for you because I love you.

I loved you.

I love you.

I love you BUT it's time I start loving myself more.

I guess this is the answer I've been asking God to send me.

I'll be okay, eventually. You just wait and see...

Plans

I had so many new ideas for projects yesterday. So many plans.

I made a list of all the new stuff I wanted to accomplish.
I wanted to start a written journal of my day to day activities.
I wanted to get my hair colored all the colors of the rainbow.
I wanted to take that prometrics exam for nurses.
I had a lot of new plans...

I wanted to tell you all about them. I couldn't wait to tell you all about them.

Then it hit me.

I couldn't.

I couldn't tell you all about my plans and ask for your support and opinion.

I couldn't because you told me not to contact you anymore.
Out of the blue I started crying inside the bathroom because I felt so sad that I couldn't talk to you anymore...

I constantly wonder how you are.

Where have you been? What have you been up to? Have you eaten anything weird lately?

It's lonely without you and what hurts the most is not knowing if you still think of me at all...

I Miss You - 2

"Good evening. I know you said not to text. 
I just wanted to say hello."


I did the unthinkable. I texted you last night.
All my friends had advised me against doing that but I just needed to get it out of my system. I felt a little better after I sent that message. It was short. It wasn't sweet. I didn't even use any of the endearments we used to use.
Of course I knew you wouldn't reply...
Of course, I still waited...
I went to bed last night feeling empty yet a small part of me has started to pick up the pieces.
I miss you. I always will...

You're Not Very Easy To Forget

 I lay in bed last night and listened to the slow breathing of my mother and sister sleeping on the bed. As usual, I was on the mattress on the floor, surrounded by my pillows. Ever since mum decided that she wanted us all to stay in one room together, it has been harder for me to just cry myself to sleep...

I curled up towards one side of the mattress, pulling my blanket close to me. I was facing away from the bed. I didn't want anyone to see me because I had a feeling in my gut that something was about to happen and out of nowhere, the tears came. These days all my tears are for you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you for the tears. I just can't control the emotions that come flowing freely at night.

I can get a grip of them during the day. I can put on a straight face and lie to myself in the mirror that I'm starting to be okay. I can tell myself that I have better things to do than mope around. I can tell myself that I have to be strong, that I have to pick up the pieces. That's one of the last things you told me, wasn't it? You told me "I want you to be strong, I need you to be strong and move on..."

Move on... Move on... Move on...

That's been my mantra since Monday and it hasn't been working well so far...

How do I move on when I don't want to move on from loving you?

Then again, nothing lasts forever...

Happy 27th Monthsary, my love.
If only we were still together...

I Miss You - 1

*photo source*

I almost called you today.

I almost texted you today.

I had to get a hold of myself before I sent that message that I had typed in a matter of seconds.

It was more than 160 characters because I don't think 160 characters can help me express all the love and desperation I feel right now.
I miss you and it's depressing because I know I'm above all this shit that I'm putting myself through. Punishing myself for what I did to you...
Tomorrow was supposed to be our 27th... I'll need to keep myself busy...