Rubbing It In

I'm sitting in front of the iMac and I begin to replay everything in my head.

We saw each other today. I wasn't expecting you to show up or text but you did.

You dropped a big bomb on me today.

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm glad you've found someone so quickly to love you more than I did.

I'm glad you've moved on so fast.

I told you to look at me and tell me that you don't love me.

"I don't love you anymore..."

There, you said it. I stopped looking at you...

At the end of it all I asked you if you wanted me to get out of the car already.

"Yes, go" was your simple and curt reply...

So I fixed my stuff and went out. I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't beg anymore. I didn't become self destructive... I knew you'd hate me more... So I left and hailed a tricycle and as soon as I sat down, I cried till I couldn't breathe.

I will always love you even if you don't love me anymore...

You're Not Very Easy To Forget - 2

Here I am again, four days later and still feeling a whirlwind of emotions.

A few days ago, I went and dyed my hair blonde. I needed a change. I knew I had to do something with my life that I wanted for myself. I felt a little better as I looked in the mirror and found golden locks staring right at me but what little happiness I had was short lived...

I messaged you on Facebook a night later, and poured out my feelings to you.

You sent me a curt reply.

"OK".

I never knew that two letters of our alphabet could hurt so much.

It made me feel like you really don't give a damn at all.

Last night, in a bout of desperation, I messaged you again and you replied. We started chatting and some deeply repressed part of me took over and begged to see you just one last time. Of course you said you didn't want or need to see me and that I should respect your decision.

"I'm moving on and so should you."

I read that sentence over and over and over and over till I couldn't anymore.

I told you I'd still wait for you the whole day of Monday.

A big part of me knows you won't contact me to see me but there's this one percent chance that you just might. I know it's stupid of me to be hopeful when all you've done is push me even further away from you but I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. It feels like drowning.

Monday. 9am... *sigh*

Enough

So here I am again.

Yesterday, so much happened.

My head is still spinning from the information overload from yesterday.

I'm emotionally drained and the crying gave me a damn headache.

Why would you sell something that I gave you as a gift?

Yes, I know. I found out. Are you that stupid to think that I wouldn't find out?

It hurt. It cut like a knife to find out that you're selling something I gifted you with.

I know I did you wrong but I also know I deserve even just an ounce of respect.

I swallowed my self respect for you because I love you.

I loved you.

I love you.

I love you BUT it's time I start loving myself more.

I guess this is the answer I've been asking God to send me.

I'll be okay, eventually. You just wait and see...

Plans

I had so many new ideas for projects yesterday. So many plans.

I made a list of all the new stuff I wanted to accomplish.
I wanted to start a written journal of my day to day activities.
I wanted to get my hair colored all the colors of the rainbow.
I wanted to take that prometrics exam for nurses.
I had a lot of new plans...

I wanted to tell you all about them. I couldn't wait to tell you all about them.

Then it hit me.

I couldn't.

I couldn't tell you all about my plans and ask for your support and opinion.

I couldn't because you told me not to contact you anymore.
Out of the blue I started crying inside the bathroom because I felt so sad that I couldn't talk to you anymore...

I constantly wonder how you are.

Where have you been? What have you been up to? Have you eaten anything weird lately?

It's lonely without you and what hurts the most is not knowing if you still think of me at all...

I Miss You - 2

"Good evening. I know you said not to text. 
I just wanted to say hello."


I did the unthinkable. I texted you last night.
All my friends had advised me against doing that but I just needed to get it out of my system. I felt a little better after I sent that message. It was short. It wasn't sweet. I didn't even use any of the endearments we used to use.
Of course I knew you wouldn't reply...
Of course, I still waited...
I went to bed last night feeling empty yet a small part of me has started to pick up the pieces.
I miss you. I always will...